top of page

A Pox On Thee, Thou Swinely Thief

People love my things. Well, they love to steal my things anyway. I can't tell you how many times I have had items stolen or my place broken into.

Actually, I can tell you. I gunnysack these assaults on my personal space and stew in my bitterness over them every time it happens again. I remember every single house break, car break, purse snatch, and personal item taken. Some were even by supposed friends.

It's not just infuriating. It's beyond that. Having my things taken without my permission is violating, especially when a stranger comes into my house, my car, or even my yard.

I can replace things. Most things, anyway. It's not the loss of stuff, it's the loss of security and safety I feel. It's also knowing that when it's a prank, I am being laughed at by strangers. I am the butt of the joke. It's disconcerting and humiliating.

I still recall the trembling fear of our first break in when I was about eight or nine years old. We lived in an apartment and someone had jimmied the lock to the back door. They knowingly went into a child's bedroom (mine) and rifled through my belongings. They dumped my deep red vinyl jewelry box, the one with the tapestried lid, onto my bed and sifted through the myriad of cheap plastic and metal jewelry. The kitten posters and stuffed animals did nothing to dissuade them from stealing from a child. I look back on that now and I think about how that unknown person was so soulless as to steal from a kid. A poor kid at that.

Yeah, we weren't even a good hit. We lived in one of the cheapest places you could rent. We were food stamp and commodities poor. We were the $600 rust bucket car with a leaky exhaust poor. We had nothing. Even the furniture in the apartment wasn't ours, except for our beds.

I wonder what they expected to find in such a place? The fucking Mona Lisa?

Look, I get that for some, thievery is a livelihood. They don't give two shits if they leave their victims feeling unsafe. I have opinions on that. Honestly, I do. Yes, I think stealing is wrong but I also believe in excellence in all things.

If you are going to steal, go big or go the fuck home. Why waste your record and live under the threat of jail time for something small? Why risk your freedom and reputation on cheap jewelry or an inexpensive shirt from a store? That is just lazy and lacks intelligence. You should shoot for a giant yacht, or a perfect vault heist à la Ocean's Eleven. Heck, you could even go for that Mona Lisa. It's never been my favorite work by Leonardo da Vinci anyway. I have never understood people's rapture with it and I hold an Art History degree. "Gasp!"

Disclaimer, please don't go around stealing. I am not encouraging you to do so. I am just pointing out how petty theft is literally the laziest fucking thing and no one will remember you for it. You'll barely be a blip in the news of a world that has greater things to contend with at the moment.

This Halloween, we were hit pretty hard, at least in terms of our props. I know that the thieves think it is all in good fun, but it is only fun for them. I am certainly not laughing. A good prank ends in both parties getting the joke. Don't quit your day jobs, guys. Your one-liners are lame and the world does not need another stand up comic of your ilk.

The first time it happened, the jerks took my 5 foot posable skeleton. Just came up in to my yard and helped themselves. He was new too. I had just bought him a couple of weeks prior to the incident. He also had a name because he was instantly beloved in our home.

The anger that swirled inside me knew no bounds and yet it was an impotent anger, the most frustrating kind of emotion one can have. I had every right to be absolutely furious, and yet, I had no recourse. There will never be a resolution. I am supposed to let it go and move on.

But I am gunnysacking, you see. Refer to my historical behavior above.

I did focus my anger on a most excellent curse for the thieves. Not only did I wish it back on them three or ten fold, I also wished for them to actually understand the karma of their actions. To actually learn from it. Yeah, I wished knowledge and understanding on the fuckers.

I also hung a sign in my skeleton's place with a note as such.

If they saw the note, if they read it, they did not heed it. It's okay. Their energy will return to them, with or without my involvement. Only time will tell if they make the connection.

We were hit again just ten days later. This time, they took three of our hand made props. We'd had them for about ten years. They weren't anything spectacular but I recall how much fun my husband and I had making them. I'm glad they can't take the memory too. Those hit me differently than the skeleton. Oh, I was just as pissed, but this time, it was even more personal. They took something we had made. I finally filed a police report.

I can't be one of those folks that say "oh, kids are being kids." I simply can't. I wasn't a shitty kid. I didn't go around stealing people's stuff. I would be horrified if mine went around doing the same. Besides, they aren't kids anymore if they are driving cars and attending college. Those aren't kids. Those are grown ass adults acting like this. Do you mean to tell me they somehow managed to be smart enough for university but failed to learn even the most basic of kindergarten mantras? Keep your hands to yourself? We don't take other people's things? None of that rings a bell for them?

Ah, you might ask, how do I know that they were college kids? Neighbors. Oh, and I actually saw the car for the second hit. It was around 5 in the morning and they were blaring "Come Together" while they plucked my beautiful tombstones.

I tried not to blame college kids at first. Really I did. There are terrible middle-aged people too. Once I spoke to the neighbors and such, I had to let go of my "love and light" feeling towards college kids. I could now at least narrow my anger down to a certain age range. Teens and shitty middle-agers were off the hook for my wrath.

For now, all I can do is sit back and let the universe handle them. I can only hope that they see the connection.

Oh, and I can plan accordingly for next year. Does anybody know where I can find some deer piss or skunk spray? I have an idea...

6 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page